I've been sad lately...really sad. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm experiencing some post-partum depression, but when I look at the "checklist", I don't meet the criteria for the run of the mill ppd. So, am I just experiencing the expected sadness anyone has with the loss of a dream? Is this normal?
It seems to me that so often, other moms with children with DS are so positive. They don't seem to have the kind of sadness I have. They seem to have found the joy in their child. I am still looking for it...Yes, I know there are a lot of things that could be worse, but this is my reality and it's one I never, ever expected to be living.
Nate still can't hear me, so even talking to him doesn't make a difference - I get no response. The only time I get a response is when I make funny faces or give him a bunch of kisses on his neck. We've finally been fitted for hearing aids, so he'll have those soon. But even the thought of hearing aids is overwhelming to me. Take them out every time he goes to sleep or takes a shower/bath. Change the battery every 10 days. And then there's the concern of if they'll even stay on his tiny ears. Oh, and the audiologist said to expect to visit the ENT often to have Nate's already impossible ear canals cleaned out (nobody has been able to even see in his left ear yet!) - it turns out putting plugs (hearing aids) in small canals that tend to accumulate buildup anyway is not a good idea, but that's the choice - ear infections and cleanings OR very limited hearing.
He is almost 8 months old and his activity is still so limited. I feel like I spend the day moving him from one place to another to try to continue to stimulate him - he just gets bored since he can't sit up or move around on his own. And I can't use the items that were good for Cody - they aren't good for Nate's development. So, no jumpers, walkers - anything that spreads his legs apart or promotes an activity that he is not ready to do on his own. So, that limits the options.
And then there are the napping issues. Nate is a champion sleeper at night, but daytime is a different story altogether. He may take a 30 minute nap in the morning if I'm lucky, but then will go the rest of the day without sleeping. So, he is a complete pill the entire afternoon - fussing and crying and only happy if I hold him. At that point in the day, the last thing I want to do is hold him. My mom keeps encouraging me to figure this one out - I didn't realize how much it was really affecting me. Thanks Mom.
Okay, that's my rant for the day. I'm having a tough time.
To my friends who have called or emailed, I'm sorry I've been distant. To my dear sweet husband whose been incredibly loving - I'll find my way back to happy.
Please be patient with me.